squid flavored pea (sweetpeatn) wrote in polyparents,
squid flavored pea

A few months ago I made 2 posts about my son and his net relationship with a woman twice his age. Here and here. The condensed update is that they did have a real life meeting over the summer and they continue to talk on a daily basis.

Just when I think to myself, "Okay it isn't really that bad and you blew everything out of proportion", something new pops up.
First my son decided he wanted to finish his senior year in public school with his friends. I am very proud of him for making this decision. It would have been too easy for him to decide to get his GED and not finish. He does have a pretty good head on his shoulders.

The issues that have come up that bother me are

1) She still isn't working
2) They met in Virginia. I was told she was going to visit friends and this was a yearly trip for her. He went down there to join her. One of the persons she met was also from their WoW guild. It wasn't until a few weeks ago that I found out, it isn't a yearly trip. She went specifically for the purpose of meeting this 2nd person. Who moved back to Texas with her. As soon as she got back, divorce proceedings started. Her husband filed. In short, she lied about her husband being okay with her meeting and having sex with people in her WoW guild.
3) She is trying to convince him to quit high school and move to Texas after Christmas. Since he's 18 now I don't really have much choice in what he wants to do.

We have talked about it. He is not moving until he graduates. Not because he doesn't want to, but because my family has already made plans for their family vacations to revolve around graduation so that they can come up here to see him graduate and he doesn't want to disappoint them. Everyday though I get the "I'd be happier if I were in Texas" pleading.

He doesn't see anything wrong in what would be his living situation. Her, her 10 year old son, the other boyfriend who is in his mid 20's, and my son. Until he found a job the sole provider in the house would be the 20 something. Well she does get some sort of government aid. Not sure if it is welfare or disability. My son doesn't know either.

I am not so much bothered by the fact that his first relationship is a poly relationship. The 3 of them did spend a week together this summer and plus all of their WoW time and the daily conversations that include the 3 of them. From what I can tell there is a lot of communication, my son is not bothered by the other boyfriend and enjoys the friendship the 2 of them have.
What does bother me, is I'm afraid that real life is going to kick him in the ass. One week of great sex in a hotel without any responsibilities is not the same as sharing a house with other people.
The agreement we have come to is that he will move down after he graduates, provided that he has enough money saved up to make his car payment for 1 month, his share of the rent for the first month he is there, and money to come home on if things don't work out.
I don't like it, but some things he needs to learn on his own. That doesn't make it easy to sit back and watch.
  • Post a new comment


    default userpic

    Your IP address will be recorded 

Why does your son still have internet access while he is living with you?

i am a mother too. i believe that you must do something to stop this situation.

You should not sit back and watch by any means. Your son has met a predator. Being poly takes a backseat to protecting your children.
I am not sitting back and watching. Since the original post, we have moved in with my boyfriend. I am working longer hours and away from the house more.

Since my boyfriend is in the same guild as my son, his girlfriend and her other boyfriend, I'm almost outnumbered. My boyfriend monitors as much as he can.

My son is now 18, he pays for his share of the internet bill, he goes to school and he works part time. That does not leave a lot of time for him to be gaming. I'm really hoping that the amount of time he is at school and work, and doing school related activities he will be exposed to other people his own age and get involved in a relationship his own age.

If I push too hard, he could very well decide that he doesn't want to live by my rules and in my house anymore and take off. He's 18, I can't stop him if he does this.
The agreement that we have is the best I can hope for until I can figure out how to open his eyes to this woman without pushing him away.
i might be tempted to ask him to anlayze her and figure out why she seems to be collecting people half her age and why she is not successsful dating other people in her age range. Does he really want to move straight from home into another relationship where his lover will be more like a mother figure? I worry that if he moves in with her, that he will become even more isolated. I would not be surprised if peers his own age might ridicule his choices and not invite him out much.
One of the things we have discussed is her son. He's only 10 years old. I have asked my son to think long and hard about this. My ex husband (my children's father) has been married 5 times since our divorce 14 years ago. I told him to think about how he felt every time a new adult entered and exited his life. I asked him to think about what kind of role model he is going to be to this kid, what he had to offer to this child and how he planned to a positive influence in this child's life.

I have asked him to think about why his girlfriend was so adamant that he keep relationship a secret, why she felt a need to hide the poly aspects from me knowing he was raised in a non conventional household. I told him to think about why she felt the need to lie about her husband knowing that she was going to Virginia to meet 2 people. If she would do that to her husband, what makes him think it couldn't happen to him.

He actually has a very good set of friends he hangs out with on occasion. They are his age, they go to school together and unfortunately they also play WoW together. The good news is that WoW hasn't taken over their lives like it has with my boyfriend and my son so he has become more social since going back to school. His friends pull him out of the internet and into the real world.
I'm just hoping there's enough time before he graduates in June to wake him up.
I might be tempted to speak with her husband and ask him why she is telling everyone she is poly - without implicating your son in any of this. That might distract her for a while.
then again, she sounds an awful lot like someone who would "use" other people and she might not have any intention what so ever of actually leaving her husbadn and moving to texas with a couple of teeny boppers.

i know one thing - I am keeping WOW out my house now that I have read your story. I think I will try to teach my son that online networking is kinda lame if I can. Thanks for sharing your story btw.
She already lives in Texas. She came up to Virginia to meet and pack up the 2nd boyfriend. Yeah first time they meet and he decides to move back with her. My son went to Virginia to meet the both of them. She had told my son that her husband was okay with all of this. Apparently he wasn't. When she got back to Texas, her power had been cut off because her husband didn't pay the bill and he moved out. He filed for divorce shortly after her returning to Texas with the 2nd boyfriend. My guess, is her husband go tired of her being on WoW all the time and was planning on leaving her before she went to Virginia. She went to Virginia hoping to snag 2 other men to support her. She got one of them, but my son came back home. I'm also guessing that if she can convince my son to move down there sooner, she won't have to get a job because there will be 2 adults working full time and she can sit on her butt all day and find other people to take advantage of.
When I try to talk to my son about this, he gets very defensive and says I'm making judgements without trying to get to know her. I told him to tell her to call me and defend herself if I'm wrong. She hasn't yet.
Here is another thought. Stop homeschooling him and send him to community college. You desperately need your son involved with peers his own age.
He isn't being home schooled anymore. In the 2nd paragraph above I stated that he made the decision to finish his senior year at public school.

Deleted comment

He isn't being homes schooled anymore. In the 2nd paragraph, I stated he made the decision to go to public school his senior year.

It isn't easy to sit back and watch especially when it feels like I'm fighting both my son and his girlfriend.
I get "I'm 18 and an adult. I can do whatever I want" when our discussions get heated.

The fact that he agreed to finish high school and wait until he has money to get down there and support himself for 1 month is the best I can hope for right now. One fear I have is that if things don't work out, he may be too embarrassed to come home and I don't want that to happen either. I'm really hoping that this last year in school will give him the interaction he needs with people his own age.

Deleted comment

Thank you for your kind words and support.

When he pulls out his "I'm 18 years old" card, I point out to him that most of the time he has to borrow money from me for gas and bills. He always pays me back his next paycheck, but I do point out that when he moves I'm not going to be there for him to get money from whenever he needs it.
I told him to work out a budget with the bare minimum of his bills, his insurance (his car is actually paid for so he doesn't have a car payment, but he will have to change insurance and put the insurance in his name when he moves and that is more than what he's paying now being on my policy), his share of the rent, we went to the grocery store and the food that he eats in one week was separate from the household food, we divided the electricity bill in half, and then added in $200 for monthly incidentals like toilet paper and clothes, the cost of gas for his car for a month, and then we added it all up. He couldn't afford it on what he makes working part time. So we doubled his income because he would be working full time. With this method he barely had $20 left. Which isn't realistic for things that pop up in the real world. A sick child, a flat tire, etc....
He's says he's fully aware that he alone wouldn't be able to support him and his girlfriend. That he has talked about it with the other 2 people in this relationship and they think they can work things out.
you know what...I think you're quite wise...You are guiding him to handle this in a relatiely sane and responsible way. You're not footing the bill, and he will learn from his experience.

He's young. As Dar Williams sings..."It's not his fault, it's just his turn."

Funny thing is I know an 18 yo in almost exactly that situation. Right down to a mid 20's other guy, girlfriend twice his age and a 9 yo kid. But NOT in Texas, so I know we're not talking about the same family. And you know what? He's happy. Deleriously so. And they're a great family. I sit here with my relatively mainstream life in suburbia thinking if this is the life my 15 yo son were to choose and find, I'd be trilled for him,

It could be a train wreck..in which case he learns. It might be finding happiness outside the box. I'm thrilled that the kid sees the importance of finishing school, if only for the "relatives", and your expectation that he save up is fair and reasonable.

Think through what safety net you're willing to provide that doesn't make you feel like you're enabling anything unhealthy, and then watch him fly.

Best of luck to you and your son.
For his sake I hope it works out, but there is a part of me that thinks he is way too young to be settling down, especially since this is the first relationship he has ever been in.

I'm also trying to be very careful so if/when this all falls apart he won't be too embarrassed to come back home.
ugh your alot stronger then me in that situation.. I would go to her house and kick her teeth in.
I agree with you, the reality of this situation is gonna be awful..
That was my reaction when I first found out. I was ready to grab a few close friends for a road trip to Texas. Friends, advice from my postings, and my boyfriend convinced me that I had the apron strings tied a bit too tight and I should let go.

Lesson learned, never let someone make me 2nd guess myself where my children are concerned. :)

For now though, I can be thankful that we have a close enough relationship that he comes to me with his concerns about the relationship and he can talk to me about it. I just wish he could see that part of he shouldn't have some of the concerns he does, because they are her responsibility and not his. On that we disagree and he gets defensive. I just hope he remembers that he can always come home.
Let's make that last part coherent. I blame lack of caffeine.

I wish he could see that part of the concerns he has, he shouldn't because they are her responsibility and not his. is how that should have read
You have laid out what his responsibilities will be. You've pointed out where some very real problems lie. He's shown himself responsible enough to agree to wait for graduation, not for himself, but for others.

I'd say you did a damned good job raising him. Unfortunatly, no matter how well you raise a child, eventually they decide to turn 18 and you have to let go. I suggest, if I may, not to try and stop him. You can't, realisticly. But by trusting him to be responsible and to live his life appropratly you give him the ability to come back if (when) the situation implodes.

Keep doing what you're doing. Realistic but supportive. Good job.
Thank you.

I am so grateful that he is pretty level headed teenager and he really hasn't given me much grief up until now. I just hope that if/when this relationship goes bad, he doesn't feel like he can't come home or be too embarrassed to come home.